mar, 8th - shadows and sunshine.....

day 395:

some days......it's more difficult than others to have to concentrate on anything other than staying home and playing.

happy pancake tuesday!

mar, 2nd - introducing jae......

day 389:

introducing jae, limi's nanny.......a dancer turned nanny, from pretty much the same area in Australia as A.

it's only been a couple of months but already jae feels like part of the family and an extra person to shower love and zerbets on Limi......with family scattered far and wide, it feels like we're creating our own small community (with friends like this and this and this around the corner) to ensure that Limi gets plenty of different influences......

more on how i am adapting to the loosening of the Bugaboo strings....to come.

jan, 21st - and it's friday....

day 342:

this week broke my heart.

jan, 19th - my new world.....

day 340:

a glimpse into my new world....i've moved to a different part of London for this new role.....a very pretty part of London....

jan, 17th - those bumpy rungs.....

day 338:

so today i had to put on my big girl high heels, wipe the mini fingerprints off my jacket and climb back on the ladder...my coping mechanism.....not think too hard about it all and to try and just enjoy the new adventure....

i tried...really hard but by the end of the day, i was desperately missing my life last-week-this-time....(not helped by coming home to an upset Limi) all the uninterrupted coffee breaks couldn't make up for the fun that i normally have in my day (sadly no-one asked me to crawl-chase them down the corridor)

but

tomorrow is another day. i will once again put on my big girl high heels, give Limi a giant squeeze and try and get a firmer grip on those rungs.

jan, 16th - back to school blues....

day 337:

aaah, the waves of emotion that i have had this past week....real bereavement (like a devastating break-up),  the feeling of amputation, a small thrill of getting some freedom back, serious claustrophobia at the thought of having to be somewhere each day, anticipation at a new adventure and pit of the stomach dread.

i am back to work tomorrow.......

and just to make it that extra bit harder Limi has amped up the sweetness factor this week....she is addicted to 'Ta'...passing everything to me and then wanting it back again, kissing all her ducks and fish goodnight at the end of bathtime...big smacking kisses and practising her spontaneous laughter. and, she is soooo close to taking her first steps....i have been trying to hothouse her all day today...just to catch the first glimpse.

i would welcome the terrible two tantrums or the teen 'i hate you', right now.....that would have me running for the door...instead i'm left with severe back to school blues.

wish me luck!

sep, 11th - french conflict...

day 211:

of course, no matter how much I am loving the time with Limi and enjoying watching her grow before my eyes, there are days where the monotony of caring for a small baby gets you down. this in turn, makes you consider the whole debate between being a stay-at-home mum vs stepping back onto the rungs of the career ladder.

so, an article awhile back in the Times, made me sit up and take notice (in a way that I wouldn't have 18 months ago). it was a piece about the French philosopher, Elisabeth Badinter, who is causing sling-wearing, organic-veg-growing, nappy washing mothers everywhere to flex their forum-writing fingers.

she has recently released a book called Le Conflict, La Femme et La Mere (The Conflict, The Woman and The Mother) which basically says that modern women are turning motherhood into their new 'careers'. getting straight to the point...in that very French way, her attitude is that a woman who gives birth to a child should be 'a woman first and a mother second'.....i get what she's saying....if she means that you shouldn't lose yourself just because you become a mother.

an interesting point that she makes is that we have created this all-or-nothing approach to raising children...where it has become as competitive and all consuming as a career. days are tailored around pureeing that home-grown, organic veg, attending a carefully constructed schedule of social networking, baby activities and being home in time to meet the cloth-nappy, laundry service. mediocre mothering is just not an option anymore.

she hauls out some stats that suggest that women in certain countries are now choosing not to have children because they see it as too high maintenance. therefore, they are choosing their careers instead as they think that you cannot successfully combine the two, if you want to achieve high standards in both. 


well, i certainly don't have it figured out yet. i haven't even tried to combine the two. a huge plus is definitely the shifting attitudes towards being more mobile in the working arena (egs. hot desking from different locations to be closer to home and even working more from home). but, i do think that for every organic meal that i may not cook as a result of going back to work, limi will definitely benefit from seeing me have a career that i enjoy.

now, just to reconcile the fact that while i may miss out on experiencing some 'firsts', limi will love having the different experiences and influences that come with having a nanny from another culture and i will love the mental challenges and stimulation that come with my job (oh, plus some uninterrupted coffee drinking time!)...at least part of the week.


i'm pretty excited about stepping back on the rungs....just have to remember how to wear heels again, whilst doing it.

jun, 25th - stepping back onto the rungs....

day 134:

aaah...how my perspective has changed! a friend commented that she could see 'why i was so in love with limi' and my immediate thought was....'oh fiddle (trying not to swear as much these days....but okay, i didn't say fiddle) you have turned into THAT obsessed parent'. no...can't be...i promised myself and all of you....

anyway...i'm still hoping that although my focus is definitely on Limi, i've still retained some semblance of myself and can manage to have a conversation with friends about topics other than Limi, Limi's sleeping habits, Limi's eating habits, Limi's latest tricks, Limi's missing tricks. In fact, Sally, a friend who has also just given birth' and i, caught ourselves discussing the merits of limited companies vs sole traders the other day...boy were we proud (who knows if what we were saying made any sense....but hey, we were giving adult conversation a go.)

anyway, today i made tentative steps back into that adult part of my brain....i had a meeting about going back to work. 

work! 

and the question of how long to wait before you go back....

i've decided that there'll never be a 'good time'....i guess it's a bit like there's never a 'good time' to have a baby...always some country that you haven't visited yet....some family/friend festival that you don't want to miss or some personal project that a pregnancy/baby will destroy....well as for work...i was pretty certain pre-limi that i would be keen to go back within 6 months but now, i can find a number of limi-related reasons of why the timing doesn't work.....i want to be around to wean her, i may miss the first crawl/ sit-up/ sound of a new word/ taste of butternut....quandaries that face everyone. so the only thing to do is make that leap!

although i can re-engage with the part of my brain that understands a term like 'process transformation' a big part of it now, is dedicated to things like remembering the words to 'rubber ducky' and hey...let's just hope that i don't get the two confused.

ps. the meeting went well...i managed to leave the house wearing a full set of clothes and in fact, loved that i could focus on a limi-free topic for awhile....but i'll admit it....i missed her. it's true. i may be a tiny bit obsessed after all.